Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize