were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize