I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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