it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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