the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
