dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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