My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
