Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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