Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
