Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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