It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
