Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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