Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
