So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
