i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
