I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
