Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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