well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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