good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
