accomplished twins. life is a go
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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