I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
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