Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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