Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
