a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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