I accidentally had phone sex last night
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
