Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
