I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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