so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
