He disabled his match.com account in front of me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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