the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
