i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
