Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
