I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
