Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
