Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
