i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
