He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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