god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
