i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize