she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
