Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
