you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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