So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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