I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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