How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
