he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
