Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
