Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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