**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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