I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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