happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
