Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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