but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
