mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
