i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he was CRYING into my vagina
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
