You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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