hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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