I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize