I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Randomize
