Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
