She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
