One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hello my rib-scented angel!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
