why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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