I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need a beard to bite.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
